Alone in a crowded home

Silence grips me from within
spreads through my hollow soul
Darkness rejoices unabashed
rips up my heart,leaves an unfading hole

Those silent screams, those twisted dreams
Do you not see them in my eyes?
Have you now turned a stranger
or has it always been lies?

Lost at sea, no sign of shore
sneering at me, O' ghosts of my past.
If only you could bring to me
a glimpse, a touch, a smile perhaps,
Anything that would help me last....

" You have a dick. Realize what it is and get over it"
-Source Unknown

Living Lies...

I hate narcissistic people. It's a good thing to love yourself. But there is something called too much of it no? Wonder if the "love makes you blind" holds true for these people too.

It's only disgusting to see people crown themselves and sit high on a self-proclaimed pedestal.

Graduation Fear

Wow...
Time flew by so fast....I'm already down to my last semester...and today it has dawned upon me that I actually AM so close to fulfilling a major dream of my life. A myriad of emotions, doubts, haziness, disbelief trespass my happy space. I'd always thought I'm a person who enjoys life as it comes, but that seems so farcical at this moment. People struggle to make dreams come true and I am at the verge of completing a couple of my dreams and yet have not given the accomplishment its deserved status. And it's not my accomplishment alone. Mom and Dad had a vision for me which I saw everyday of my life. It is theirs. S made breakthrough decisions which made that vision possible. It is his. I'm humbled. By the magnitude of the person I've become from what I was, and by the faith that people have showed in me that I haven't myself and by HOW SO MUCH I've achieved in life so far. Satisfaction and happiness at the end of the day. And love and gratitude... :)

Long time no blog...

Obama rules in aMerIca..rOacHes rule here...
While I wait to say goodbye to my pested friends..I sit here and dream ..
of peace..oceans...panipuri..couch.. and TV with no one to fight for the remote.
Needless to say..regular supply of good food comes with the package.
Hope & peace to all.

Calvin sez....

‘I find life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone’s expectations.’

Hyd to Chicago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow,,,after a long time...and from a different continent. Not that there was much to be written about earlier :P.
Love the place, the crowds, and the ironic silence. Had a lot of expectations from this changed environment, some came true, some didn't. Dealing with it. Oh and yes, saw my first snow.... unexplainable feeling.
Let's write a bit about our journey from Hyderabad to Chicago. Started with the inevitable family goodbye..(I do miss them...a lot),,, and my mom feeling more scared than I was (do they all graduate from the same school of motherhood or what?) and asking me to not go instead! But alas! determined that I was... I set off. On a mindless expedition. After the maze of formalities, finally (phew!) reached my seat to find an old lady sitting in my (WINDOW!) seat.
Me: Umm.. excuse me,,,, I think you're sitting in my seat?
Old Aunt (O.A) : What, no,,, you check your ticket properly.
Me: I did,,and I'm sure...
O.A : (checks) Oh ya right,,, sorry paapa (grrrrr...im 24) ... (in Telugu) I'll sit here for a while if you dont mind. Whenever you want to move, just tell me, we'll switch.
Me: (to myself) aaaah I love window seats
(to her) Oh no problem auntie... its OK

Then a tirade of predictable conversations,,, how what when where why etc....
I am also going for the first time, can you ask the "WAITER" to get me some coffee? Beta, can you ....blah blah blah blah blah ......
Finally managed to fall asleep (Did I mention her spilling coffee on me and me needing to change...**&&%$**)
and got up only when there was half an hour left to land... Shucks... it looks awesome,,, i wana look out the window....Its my seat after all...Should I wake her up? Its rude..... Hmmmmmm
Me: Auntie,,, do you mind if I sit on my seat?
O.A : you ARE sitting on your seat only no,,,why should I mind,,,sit wherever you want....You know,,,once my daughter was .....
aargh,,,,snore snore snore.....(edited)

Then got off at Frankfurt.,,,its a real sexy airport. The trains to different terminals, the glamour, and O.A following me everywhere. Finally managed to shake her off my course by an incredibly looooooooooong time in the restroom ;) . Didn't have to wait much luckily for the next flight. Well, hopefully this will be a good one? Yay! another window seat...wow, its my lucky day ain't it?
Uh Oh whats that?
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
no,,, itssssssssssss
another Telugu Talli (mom) on my seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To get an abridged version of my flight from Frankfurt to Chicago, please go to the top and read the first description again. (Kill me, i'm dead)

What happened on that plane? What happened to Navisa after that? Did she survive? For all the ever popular juicy (Soapy ?) details, watch out for our next episode.

yawwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, a day

of cats and dogs and cows with bells,
of seductive rains,
of wait for the ever elusive passport,
of hours wasted in stupid banks,
of the ever confusing options of course ahead,
of the mortal plunge from over-optimism to not-so-helpful-either pessimism,
of being smitten all over again by professor's smile,
of making up for it with a chocolate brownie,
of talking to (not-so-interested) S finally for a decent amount of time,
of conclusion that I miss him.....
Crap

hmmmmm...

The only thing changed in two months? Miss to Mrs.... and yet alone coz the Mr. is busy clearing up a database on the other side of the planet...Saucy.......Yup,,,thats right,,, the honeymoon of my dreams...

Wateva...blah......

Crappy deadlines, exams, cross-continental paperwork drowning me in this bubble of incessant bickering...And he who thinks 'Happily ever after' exists....ya sonny,,, time to wake up.

Had it with the whole species of selfish and egoistical MCP's. period.

Here's a happy thought: PPPPPHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Home BitterSweet Home

Hardly been home in the past two months,,,and am tired and incessantly bitching about the travelling now.....Went to Bangalore for a very short and fast week,,,,met new people, slept through nonsensical shopping sprees....went out for loooooooooooooooong walks,had a great time in small quotients but found myself soooo detached from the city itself.....

That was amazing since it took me years to detach myself from Bangalore and live in Hyderabad wholeheartedly...but now......sigh......I dont wanna leave this place.....Its my home now.....16 years of being a Hyderabadi....kaiku chodke jaana baap?nai jaaneka mereku...

What else to write about... nothing new and inspiring going on....As of today, about 68 days left for the event to take place,,,so I guess its the silence before the storm.

Herez a link to an article written on our Design studio :

http://www.auroville.org/thecity/architecture/two_at_once.htm

amchi mumbai...

Blah and a half.....

A week long fiasco in the fugly city...(no offence)

Mindless speeds, the city just never stops. The crowded local trains, the arrogant bhikaris, the humble autowallahs ( a rare specimen here, you see....), the weeklong gastronomical delights limited to some of the best sev puris and wada pavs and pav bhajis.

Incessant noise and pollution, never a moment of silence with yourself, the city of dreams as well as the city with Dharavi.

The amazing and admirable and efficient public transport system,,,seriously, I think its gr8.

And if you follow the logo "Shop till you drop" for seven days in a row, by the end of it, you end up crashing ala sleeping beauty only with no hopes of any prince charming around.

I'm glad its over.

Tomorrow begins my week long shopping adventure in Bangalore. Happy and excited, for reasons not even remotely related to shopping.... :)

Blah blah blah, ciao.......

My tour update....Auroville alive

Why do I blog?

Who am I writing to?

some questions are best left unanswered....







First of all, my Auroville trip.....

It was supposed to be a break from a hectic life but hardly turned out to be the same. Had a busy but awesome sched, had great (est) people for company, had the world's best place around me....Quite a heady concoction....

The studio was great,,,we were working on co-creating a Health Centre for Auroville, bringing together its various alternative health therapies and allopathies under one roof...The challenge was to come up with a design in a group and the tool used was dreamcatching and co-creating. The catch line :The outcome should be a synthesis of ideas based on the highest common factor and not the lowest common denominator.



We had some really talented people working together and I had the most amazing two weeks of my life. We came up with some promising solutions very much appreciated and its really difficult for me to summarise the essence of it. I dont really want to. Being selfish about it seems nice.


I have to say something about the place we were living in. The ILC building in Auro. One of the best I've seen. Full of spaces worth every blessing I've spelt ever. Not exaggerating. Watching and feeling the space, mornings, noons, nights, the ponds, the skyscape, the invisible chimes, it was nothing short of a divine experience. I love that place. I'll consider myself an honest architect if ever a building done by me would evoke that response. I call the ILC poetry in action.

The yoga sessions early morning, the wilderness walks late night, the koffee krunch icecream breaks, the heavenly bakery treats, the silent conversations.........I cant stop thinking,,,but I need to. hmmppphhhhhhh....I wanna go back, live it again.

Woes of shopping ...

Blah.....

Supposed procedure of shopping :

• Decide on what you want/need/blah.
• Go to place where you find it.
• Buy the thing.
• Get out and get done with it.

What Women do???

• Make a list of what they want.
• Identify a target/location (read 10 different stores with probably the same variety).
• Take extra cash along "just incase they find something nice to pick up....(alarm bells ringing at this point)
• Reach the place. Decide where to start attack from.
• Okie- first shop? lets see what you have ....one by one the haggled men parade "their goods".
• The women set aside what they like and then start looking at other things.
• Involves a long procedure further I find too emotionally stressful to describe.
• Also select almost everything not on their list.....!!!!!
• When everything is selected, they haggle over the price.
• Since it is an insult to buy it at one go, so they fight over the price and leave the shop.
• Same procedure in another shop.
• The looped program continues in other stores too.
• Finally end up buying the stuff at the same first shop.

My point is "WHY?"

My woe?

With my wedding round the corner and loadsa shopping to do,,, I dont know how I'm going to survive the catastrophe...

P.S. : Not all women are the same....example??? ME!!!!!

P.S2 : Me off to my soul spa...Auroville,,,be back in a month with loadsa blah......

Update on Blahing status..

So here goes the blah....

Highlights of the week:

• 24Th Feb, 2007 : Getting engaged finally after a loooooooooooooooooooong wait.....yippee...
• Suicidal slavery coming close to an end.....(just a day more)
• Fatigue and depression sapping the best out of me.....(since about 2 long never ending days)
• One more week to bear and wade through before I get to be in my heavenly abode...(AV, I'm coming)

Hmm...random thoughts.....
How easy is it for people to negate a long period of doubtless commitment and hard work done by others just because it is not ENTIRELY (read..highly hopeful to the point of impracticality)conducive to their requirements?
Answer: apparently Very easy and if you look around....very common.

How do you deal with such a situation?
Answer: For the time that you're in shock and denial, you keep asking yourself if you were short of delivering what was required of you. After spending an aeon mulling over it again and all over again, if and when you finally conclude that you optimally WEREN'T, you face the next obvious Q, do you just shrug and ignore? Or do you stand up to defend yourself? Well, self-respect demands your support, but what do you do if you really are sympathetic to the person and still in denial and left wondering if it was really meant the way it was said?

If you make any sense out of this, appreciative, If you don't, you've lost nothing. move on...

But the whole situation really affected me more deeply than I thought it would. It pushed me to a stage where I wanted to go out of my way to give what was wanted from me, putting a lot of my other priorities at stake. Even now, even if I'm not responding it to it, I'm basically punishing myself for not being able to live up to every one's expectations..

The whole point is...CAN YOU? Is it humanely possible to satisfy every one's expectations regardless of their justifications? No. It is not. Really gives me a new in depth understanding and dimension to the whole need for learning to say NO. Realisations and similar experiences rush in at this point showcasing my real weakness as not being able to say No. Wow, that clarifies a lot.

I cant say it will change hitherto but every future failure will be a conscious and expected one and not a surprise attack.Not feeling any better but definitely have an insight.

And about my engagement?? :) Hmm regular affair...cemented a long existing commitment..(not that I needed it) but was all fun. Really, the whole process of getting closer to someone not incidentally but consciously, scrutinising every aspect, all I can call that is..... exhilarating. Challenging, yes, no doubt, but also somehow deeply satisfying. And also gives you ample opportunity to allay all your fears and unrealistic insecurities and expectations.At least makes you conscious of your thoughts.

So blah blah blah.....phew.... now as is popularly known...my brain often tends to wash itself over self-assurance ad nauseam. This is just one of those days wherein the power is gone & the washer is stuck but I really need my brain all clean and fresh. The peak where I'm actually missing the constantly irritating buzzing and whirring!!!!!Need to sleep on this one :)

Ciao.......

Full stop.

Am in my last few days of work at THE Shankar Narayan Architects......Was only a 6 month journey but feels like it has been forever.....

The Man : Awesome, softspoken, mmmmmmm, and a lot more.

Work : It was a wonderful experience all in all considering the variety of work I got to do...residences, banks, estimations, tenders, damn...just about everything!

Company: ahem......If it werent for Laas n recently Pal....I would've probably choked myself to death!And what to say about putting up with creepy people even the look of whom makes you feel nauseous and disgusted.....But I did have a lot of fun..... Coloring,,, Crosswords, Sudoku, sadistic humour which was just lost on dumb people, sometimes crazy work scheds, being told that Laas was about to die (every few minutes) yet seeing her alive(alas!!!!)...listening to Telugu songs ( eeeeeks) then listening to whatever we liked......THEN listening to Pallavi sing (The nightingale...truly)....was gr8..... Oh!!!!and the numerous weddings and Birthday parties we were unwantedly a part of!!The blaring dhinchak songs,,,the SEXY (ughh) voice of the Pujari....the resulting headaches... made me take some very important decisions about my own wedding,,,i.e no remix music, no mike near the pujari....to name a few....

Future :Phew, tough one,,, no clear path ahead....no sign of a much awaited and dreamed about Master's degree....hopefully somewhere it exists in my cards... Somewhere,I know I have it in me,,,just have to look for it deeper....Career insecurities ruling the roost right now.. :(
Will look for a good job in Bangalore which i'll like. Dreams galore!!
Till I find my own path, I go wherever life leads me on.

Lesson :Do not get typecast in one particular field,,,,be open to everything.

Well, that makes it three offices I worked in...but Auroville still stands out as the best for its unmatchable discipline and standards and blah blah....

Maybe, I'll edit this post later with my feedback letter from Shankar sir... :)

RL kept me away :( but also got me back..

Real life has just got to me to such an extent that I had to come here to vent myself out.
Its just amazing how your teeny tiny brain can retain sooo much information and feelings and knowledge. Doesnt it overwhelm any of you? I need to slow down once in a while and take stock of my highly dramatic emotional standards. So right now going through one of them......

Relationships......where do I stand? Im in the way of putting some on hold and Starting a whole new jargon of them which are gonna direct my life hitherto.... Freaking me out!!!
Have left so many people behind.....and moved on. left so many things behind which mattered a lot. Have found new things and people but is it justice to the ones not with me now?
Is it justice to me?
I resent changes, for the sole emotional pressure and havoc they bring along with them.

Life changes every second, so we have to move along with it. Then why do we invest so many emotions in people and things we are not sure will stay with us our entire life?

Well,, I myself cannot make any sense out of my random thoughts, so dont expect you to either....
Will be back with more positive and regular blogs.
Ciao

Sunday funday!!!

First made plans of meeting frenz, screwed up.
Next made plans of going for movie- same result.
Is this going to be another boring Sunday spent sleeping and praying to the Idiot box???

No, I've had enough of those!!
Finally, and hurriedly, decided to join my family for a temple trip which turned out to be loads of fun, after a really long time. So, first we dumped all the oldies in one car, while we younguns loaded the next.










And off on our trip, laughing at others, playing, chatting.

Had a rough ride though, why you ask? Have a look at our driver and then say why not!!!!!!!










But eventually and thankfully eventlessly, reached the jain temple safely and had a good darshan, good food and also a good sleep there.
Then we had to proceed to Chilkur Balaji temple, for the ignorant ones, he is known as the Visa god, so had a good time there too. On the way back, we stopped in some fields and bought a LARGE amount of fresh dhaniya and pudina. Hehe, was wierdly interesting.
Sunflowers!!Maize, Radish, what not!


Hmmmm so asked for my wish and took 11 rounds, if it comes true, 108 more rounds, if it doesnt, 11 more for next wish. Ja, cool, aint it?

So, all day had fun, but something has to go wrong right......so what was it this time? Urbanism......Bloody urban traffic. Cancerous!!!!!!!!

Tired me out sooooooo much. But this was baby's day out and nothing could affect my fun levels, not even S's sleepiness..... So, here I am grinning and Blahing.

More in next. :)

Happy Day!!

I feel like buying myself a balloon today....that will have made my day excellent from great.
Had a good half day at office, then hogged myself with L at lunch, then with great difficulty got up and went for a haircut. So, now my hair looks like this...




Hmmm, nice na?
then I went to watch a documentary on Frank Gehry(ignorant people can google him) by Sidney Pollock...was pretty interesting. Also met one of my good good friends after a really long time.
I like the new game I learnt "Yellow car ding", as long as Im not the one getting hit....its to hit the person next to you whenever you see a yellow car....so far, I've been hit many times, but hardly hit L, so I'll get my chances. Am so tired of feeling happy today!So am planning to go sleep and see happy dreams and feel more happy. :)
This is a picture of where I saw the documentary today, I love this place, this is where I learnt pottery.........



Goodnite..........................

Today's Blah

Ha, yesterday was so sad, was awfully busy, couldnt speak to S all day and to top it all, even this blogger stood me up. Well, atleast its working now! Hey, but today was so much fun, so i'm not using this space for the usual cribbing. Had fun with a coloring session in office, and doing quantities and estimations of a residence for the first time. Its really fun, am wondering why I didnt like the subject in college that much?
Then came home to do a bit of cooking and serving and cleaning session. And since then have been talkin on the phone, sometimes even 3 calls at once :)
Say, isnt it really hazardous to see your guy and your parents ganging up??? aargh......
I'm smelling some controversy here......have to do a bit of snooping though.
Been so long since I watched a movie.....hope to do so soon.
Yawnnnnnn...... done for today, am tired, so cant talk much you see. The monster phone sapped all my energy.........
Bye.

Oh ya, man it was soooooooooooo hillarious to watch myself make such a huge effort to speak in marwadi! I cant do it to save my life!!!!What am I gonna do??????????
Blah. we'll see.
Yippee...weekend is coming.
Yawn, gudnite.

Two roads

There was a path deep in the woods,
At a point it forked- one bad, one good.
I chose to take the left hand path,
I did not know, I had no map.
Now this road that I travelled was dirty and battered,
Littered with dreams, broken and tattered.
Paved with wrongdoings and dotted with hearts,
taken from people and just torn apart.
Pain and regret were common here,
Wherever I turned, they were always near.

I wanted to cross to the other path,
and leave behind this painful wrath.
I thought I was forever doomed to walk.
And all the gates were tightly locked.
But as i continued, a footbridge I could see.
A bridge called hope, calling out to me.
Slowly I crossed to the path of good.
Hidden somewhere deep in the woods.

I once was wrong, but now am right.
And before me glows a beacon light.
Altered by few misguiding steps,
I was so close to falling in darkened depths.
But luck played and I was pulled to hope,
I found the footbridge and learned to cope.
The choices you make can so change your life,
One will bring hapiness, the others bring strife.
Heed my warning because I know,
Follow your heart, you'll know where to go.